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Sleep, you elude me

Arggh! I am sleep deprived. By my own mind and body. I haven't slept really well for years, but since Monday (Michele's death), I have had a horrible time getting to sleep, and staying asleep.

I had just recovered from Nina's death, and gotten my sleep back, and now this. This is worse, in a way, because it's a bit sudden, and even closer to home. Yes, a part of me knew it was coming, and this soon, but my concious mind denied it.

I guess that in some ways I don't deal with friends dying very well. Intellectually I know that death is part and parcel of life, and I do not fear my own death (although the lingering kind unnerves me - I don't like pain.) The fact that both Michele and Nina were in pain quite a bit in the last year or two before they died really bring up that helpless feeling in me - I want to be able to fix things like that, and I can't.

I guess that's the worst of it - not being able to stop it, even though it shouldn't have been "inevitable" at so young an age. By me, you should live until at least 70 or 80, barring mishap or medical neglect.

If I was in that kind of chronic, unrelenting pain, - when even going to the bathroom elicits involuntary moans and whimpers - I'd put my affairs in order, and check out my options for ending it. I'm a wuss, and I know it.

All in all, I need a nap. Ideally, a nap in a cool, dark, and quiet room, cuddled into lots of nice soft pillows, blankets, comforters and stuffed bears. The only sound I should hear is the gentle sound of a light rain on the ground outside.

But I won't get it.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
law_witch
May. 19th, 2003 02:52 pm (UTC)
Big hug and soft rain drops
Oh Ravan, I'd forgotten in that horrid pagan mess that you are grieving!

Have you done the books and supportive website routine?? Lynn Kelly's 'Don't ask for the dead man's golf clubs' is more advice for those who know someone whose lost - but I found it very empowering, heartening and highly suggest it.

My mother is dieing of cancer, a really bad one, they give her to the end of this year. She's done one round of radiation, will NEVER do it again or chemo.

"If I was in that kind of chronic, unrelenting pain, - when even going to the bathroom elicits involuntary moans and whimpers - I'd put my affairs in order, and check out my options for ending it. I'm a wuss, and I know it."

NO, you are not a wuss - I'm right there with you. Death should be in your sleep without pain, anything else and your just some doctors BMW payment. (and my mother has the same plans, no WAY will let that happen to her and I FULLY support her decision)

Outside the standard lines of sympathy we all hear (over hear?). I here for you.

(hmm, would one of those sound machines that make soft noises help you get the rest so badly need??)
ravan
May. 19th, 2003 04:54 pm (UTC)
Re: Big hug and soft rain drops
Oh Ravan, I'd forgotten in that horrid pagan mess that you are grieving!

It is becoming a normal state for me, and I don't like it.

I don't feel bad for Michele, Jerry, Nina, or Don (all friends who've died in the past year and a half). But I do feel bad for all of those of us who are left without them.

I'm used to being the shoulder to cry on, and I have a hard time being the person that's upset.

(hmm, would one of those sound machines that make soft noises help you get the rest so badly need??)

I don't know. I may have to see if I can find a cheap one to try it.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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